Bullete

I have a gun

inside its chamber is a single bullet with your name on it engraved into golden steel

I’m supposed to deliver that bullet into your chest at midnight tonight

I was offered 50 Grand

I don’t plan on failing

Streets are smoky and dark

move down an alley

three thugs dealing smack they turn and look at me

black trench coat swishes open like a bat opening its wings

guns drawn out in both hands

cold fingers pulling even colder triggers

shells flying

doing ballet dances in the icy air

I am a killer

I feel nothing but adrenaline pounding pulsating in my ears

smack dealers dead on the ground lying in black puddles of water

sirens scream in the night

doing shit doing nothing about the scum on these streets

only I deal out righteousness in this god forsaken city

I am St. Anne the avenger angel of heaven

destroying the demented angels of hell

Sitting in a bar dull eyes studying you watching you

drinking with friends flirting hormones raging

preying on young girls defenseless and naïve like I

once was

let’s go back to my place sweetie

goddam pigs and their goddam sluts hanging on their arms like trophies

A gin and tonic please

bartender looks my way with suspicious eyes

slides the poison down the counter

I drink it

tastes like shit

I smoke a cigarette

tastes like shit

but everything tastes like shit until you dull your senses to it till you become numb

I feel nothing

You’re ruining me

I look your way

sitting at the big desk shoulders hunched over ceiling fan whirring softly above us humming babies to sleep in their cribs

I won’t do it, I say

I’m offering you 40 grand

your hand slaps down on the desk

40 fucking grand! To kill the prick

that’s a lot of goddam money, woman

Too risky, I say

Too risky, too fucking risky

nothing’s too risky when you have fifty fucking grand

your spittle is flying across the desk flecking the ancient oak

the light of your green lamp reflects coldly in your blue eyes old ancient eyes

I wonder about your childhood

how the hell did you become this monster lurking in the shadows

dealing out death instead of meth or even crack or cocaine or cheap dime bags to stupid youth

who know nothing about life

just the moment the pure pleasurable moment that soon sparks a hot ping of pain

into the groin into the chest into the heart

50 grand

that’s my last offer

why must he die?

This you do not need to know,

only that he must

I’ll do it

I guess

I have nothing else

you walk in

tall blonde

you look as beautiful as the day you left me

I hear you’re killing people now

tender lips spilling vile words

Yeah I am what of it?

Why are you doing this, Anne?

I stare at you into your dazzling blue eyes specks dancing twinkling in the moonlight

None of your goddam business

I know how painful it must have been when I left you

I pour myself a glass of Jack throw it back just stare at you into those deceitful eyes

You have no idea

I’m sorry things had to be this way

Really?

Are you?

Why are you here?

I’ve heard things while lurking on the walls of shadowy night clubs as a fly

there are people out there who want to kill you

I laugh

I nod

I drink

There are always people out there who want to kill me

I am, after all, a killer

killers have killers who want to kill them in return

What are you doing this evening, Anne?

I am going to the ballet

it’s much like my own work so beautifully planned performed each move precise

but what I do is not ballet not quite so elegant

my line of work involves cold slugs of death

bullete shall we say?

Fountains of blood pouring out of chests

hands groping for the heavens hoping for redemption but finding none

You’re so silly, you say

Am I?

I’m sorry I left especially in such a mess but they were after me don’t you know?

And now they’re after you

So let them come, I say

let them come and find me let them kill me I have nothing to live for

nothing to die for either

let them kill me see if I fucking care

you smile

lips stretched across that rugged face

you haven’t changed a bit, you say

watching the ballet

moves precise dancers elegant

there is a smile on your face

eyes sparkling with each prance each twirl of the skirt each tip toe across the stage

a boulder of a man stares through the darkness

eyes bleeding through smoke

cigar in his right hand

giant rock on his finger

he waves to me

I wave back

excuse myself to the bathroom

pamphlet folded into my pocket

crushed velvet gown against my chest

smell of flowers in musty air

among the chairs among the billowing red curtains that hang on the stage like an opened vulva among the smiles and dark studious eyes among the prancing dancers in their tight outfits

sweat dripping from their precise fine work reeking with art beauty passion intelligence

he catches you in his hands holding your thick sturdy thighs above his head

staring into your womanhood

feeling pleasure and beauty and ecstasy and the cold calmness of rain against the skin

the tingle of adrenaline the glow of passion

I meet you near a glowing green EXIT

you haven’t been around lately, fat man

you’re smoking a cigar

beady brown eyes twitching

face incased in fat

top hat on your head

rim wet with sweat

lapel on your chest

hello Bernard

Hey Anne, haven’t seen you ‘round lately

Haven’t seen you either Bernard you’re usually at the Gentlemen’s Club getting a lap dance from that bitch that looks like a hyena

Yeah uh huh I know but I’m in a bit of a pickle

What is it now Berny?

You owe money?

You high?

You smokin’ the rocks again?

You drunk on the sauce?

I warned you about all that cheap wine you keeping buying from that shithole liquor store, Bernie ol’ pal

I killed somebody, Anne

We’ve all killed somebody who in this god forsaken city hasn’t?

I killed the wrong fucking person

Who?

I killed his daughter

What the fuck are you talking about Bernie?

I killed the Boss man’s daughter I fucked her I fucked her and then I killed her

I stare at you

silence envelopes us

we are sent first class into a void

How the fuck did this happen?

I don’t know

You’re fucked

I know

Why?

Why

why

She looked lonely in that tight red number spaghetti straps hem of skirt right above her knees and I was lonely

haven’t had any in years, Anne

years and years and years and she looked so elegant

soft brown hair framing her face

cleavage spilling out of the top of that dress

those soft knees

and long brown legs

I felt up between her thighs and I kissed those candy apple lips and I couldn’t control myself, Anne

I fucked her and then I killed her

Why the fuck did you kill her?

I thought she’d tell

Men all the same

Fuck now kill now think later oops too late

Now she’s dead, goddammit

now you’re dead

if the Boss finds out

He won’t find out

How the fuck do you know?

I don’t know

How did you kill her?

I beat her with a tire iron, Annie

Don’t call me that

I beat her to death with a goddam tire iron I put her in my trunk I pushed the car into the ocean off the docks near Sunset Boulevard

I swallow

watch the dancers dance so graceful so beautiful I wonder if you are wondering where I am

I see you turn your pretty blonde head looking back searching with icy blue eyes searching for me

I turn to you fat piggish monster fat monster who beat a fifteen year old girl with a goddam tire iron

fat monster who fucked an innocent girl

the delicate flower the angel of our Boss the Boss who runs this shithole town

controls the media the politicians the cops the ground you fucking walk on

every blade of grass that is misplaced in the breeze

I watch

I watch

the dancers so eloquent moving among the red curtains, the gaping vulva

across the stage beautiful and graceful

deers in a field

birds flying in flocks

ducklings following their mother

I almost forget

almost

Bernie, you need to get out of town

rain pouring down you get in the cab

I tell you to get as far away as possible you look at me with scared eyes

the rain drops are biting my skin

icy termites

it won’t be long, Annie

won’t be long till they find me

get out of the country

They’ll find me on the plane they’ll put a bomb on the plane they’ll poison my food they’ll shoot me while I’m waiting for my flight they’ll get me one way or another when I least expect it

I’ll be sittin’ near Great Ben and a man with funny teeth and a horrid British accent will fucking stab me

right there

while I’m eatin’ fish and chips and reading the London Times and he’ll say

“eh, you that bloody bloke dat killed da Boss man’s daughta!”

They’ll get me, Annie

one way or the other

I stare at you don’t know what to say

Are you worried curious scared wondering where I am

why I’ve left the ballet

left you alone in the stuffy theatre with stuffy theatre types adjusting their monocles tucking their nose-blows in their breast pockets clapping like fruits

fingers in palms

good show

good show

clutching the hand of their trophy wives in their satin dresses

hair in a hive but no buzzing

just nothing

empty heads full of stuffy air

and you put a hand through your soft blonde hair tucking it behind that delicate white ear shaped like a beautiful soft shell

You’ll be just fine

Annie, I’m scared

You’ll be just fine, Bernie

you’re always just fine

You give me one last horrid look

beady eyes sunk in fat

fat hands quivering

in the cold breath of this starless night

the cab pulls away

last thing I see is your top hat reflected in the back window under dim street lamps before the cab blows up

ignites in a fire ball

climbs up the stairs of heaven and then drops to the black asphalt like a firey star

o wormwood wormwood!

flickering red and yellow and white

fractured in rain droplets

cascading

down

down

down

I light a cig

inhale the black smoke

Bye Bernie

you dumb bloody bloke

by the time the ballet is over it is 11 p.m.

I’m supposed to kill you at midnight tonight and that’s when I make my 50K

I sit here in my living quarters

drinking milk

the lights off

nothing but the cold blue glow of the moon against your peach face

against your tender lips

you sit across from me on the love seat but there is no love here

I am sweating staring at the clock on the wall

a crescent in the darkness but I can see the arms twitching toward death

the long arm stretches to the five

little arm on the 11

thirty-five minutes and this will all be over, my sweet my love

I missed you

you coo in the darkness across from me

me sipping at my milk all I can smell is gun powder flames black boiling smoke death

I missed you too

I take a large gulp of cow juice down the gullet into the belly

curdled in the guts pushed out the bowels pissed out the bladder

it is cold

I shiver

perspiration fills my palm

cold in my hand like a trigger

a bullet

and earlier in this night in this dark city where the sun never rises I carved a name into that bullet

your name

you’re awfully quiet, Anne

I’m thinking

What are you thinking about?

Remember three years ago at the pond where I lost my virginity?

yeah

are you mad that I left?

I watch dust dance in the air through beams of moonlight

I had to leave, Anne

why?

a single word, drifting through the silence like a feather

descending

descending

landing on my soul

I can’t tell you that

I set the glass down

ring stain on the coffee table

silence

dead silence

you work for him now

yes, I do

I kill people for the Boss

and would you kill me, Anne?

If I had to the Boss knows best

he cleans up the shit in this city because the pigs won’t do it

he controls the cops, Anne

he controls everyone, don’t you see?

You’re working against yourself

he runs the drug rings he runs the prostitution rings he runs all the shit in this city

Remember what you said after the sex?

After we lied in the dewy grass

a moon much like this sparkling in the pond as if the water had swallowed it up

ducks coasting along the reflective glass

quaking

remember what you said?

You stare blue eyes sparkling gleaming glowing

I said I felt empty I said I was in pain I said I was bleeding I said I felt nothing

And why did you feel nothing?

I don’t know

I know because you didn’t love me and you felt the way you did with the others

What others?

Your clients, Anne

No stop

don’t even fucking bother you were a goddamn hooker in this shit city and you never told me you sucked every cock you let every man violate you with his putrid flesh that’s why you were so easy to penetrate that night

I wanted out that’s why I left

I did what I had to do to survive in this shit city and the Boss took me in and I didn’t have to do that anymore. I’m free.

You hate these people, Anne

you want them dead you want to clean up the streets so why are you working for them?

I love you

You lie you were never pure never the girl I loved just a dirty rat in the gutter crawling with the junkies lookin’ for your next fix

Tom, you’re right I do want to clean up the trash

I have a gun

inside its chamber is a single bullet with your name on it engraved into golden steel

I’m supposed to deliver that bullet into your chest at midnight tonight

I was offered 50 Grand

I don’t plan on failing

And worst of all you fucked Bernie that pervert that fucking pervert I should have killed you both

I can’t believe I ever loved you that we ever spent time together in Paris sitting next to the duck pond drinking wine fucking under the stars you claiming to be pure but you fucked so many other paying clients under those same stars in dark alleys with the rats with the junkies and you liked it you dirty whore

I bet you fucking liked it

I’m so sorry, Tom

I put two bullets in your chest

Good job, Anne

here’s your 50 Grand

Thanks Boss

Your son is dead

it wasn’t much of a loss

love is lust

and lust is love

and in the end

it’s all bullshit

you staring down the barrel of a .38

death delivered in a cold slug right through the head into the brain kill the cells kill the nerves kill the being

trapped within the shell of skin tight skin so tight and confining you’d think you’d never be able to escape except for that sweet poison that sweet oneness of becoming part of another flesh

drinking the fluids of death under the stars where blood and cum was once let and you know this is all you have left

a gun a fucking gun in your cold hands pulling that trigger

killing people who are already dead